i dunno

You know what's funny? I very distinctly remember (among a whole lot of other things that aren't so distinct) on Saturday night, laying in the CT scan machine and thinking to myself 'I wonder if I'll be like Caiti and leave the ER never wanting to go into medicine'. I remember, in my fairly confused state of mind, that this was the thing I was worried about. Not the fact that I had a head injury, not the fact that this was the first time I'd ever had something go physically wrong when one of my parents wasn't there with me, not that I felt horrible, but that I didn't want to let this experience make me want to quit. 

It didn't, by the way. I still want to be a PA. Maybe even more so now, since I had that horrific doctor who was the opposite of compassion, and how the nurses were just all business. I think sometimes after all that school, maybe people forget why they started doing this in the first place - because they wanted to help people, and because they thought fixing people was just the coolest concept in the world. 

The last couple of days have been really strange. First, I've been feeling really weird. I have a headache, yeah, and a pretty good one at that. But it's more a continually spaced-out feeling. And I have a hard time remembering what happened on Saturday. If I sit and think about it for a minute, I remember playing the game, I remember getting hit, I remember going to lunch with Stephen's family. I remember taking a nap (probably the most dangerous thing I did all day) and I remember most of the hospital visit and the night after. But I have to really concentrate to draw it all up, as if it happened a really long time ago, not this past weekend. Plus I still get a little dizzy-nauseous on occasion. And I haven't really had an appetite since Saturday either. 

On top of physically feeling funny, there's been the whole fiasco with my team. We'd told them what happened and then asked for volunteers (perhaps girls with previous goalie experience) to just try it out and see how they felt about it. Yesterday afternoon, we took one of the girls into the gym and suited her up and I talked her through everything and a third girl shot on her and she was doing okay until people started moving around, and then she panicked. 

We were invited to represent our section in playoffs and the captains declined the invite. They gave our team a whole lot of reasons why not, all of which were suspiciously flimsy and most of which were to make me feel better about the real reason why we're not going: you can't go to playoffs with a fake goalie. You'd lose in the very first game, and it's just not worth it. They won't even let me say I'm sorry. 

So I don't know how I feel about that. Tired, maybe. Too tired and partially disoriented to sort through how I feel right now. On the plus side, I guess, I can go to the formal on Saturday. I just feel like I let down the seniors, because really, I have two more years to go to playoffs and they don't.

It's just a bummer.